Tis the season for my favoritest holiday of the year...the holiday of elastic waistbands, aka Thanksgiving! aka Eat until I puke Day! I'm already practicing my poor starved sad puppy eyes in the mirror in preparation for all the saps that will be coming to Thanksgiving unprepared for my total cuteness and awesomeness. They will bow down to me and feed me like no tomorrow! At least I hope so. I mean really, can you resist a face like this?
I'm already perfecting my innocent bystander food snitching technique, today Mom was eating some chicken wings when one flew out of her hand and landed perfectly in my mouth without me having to move a muscle. Karma, baby, karma! She tried to pry it out of my mouth and tell me it was bad for me but I was too fast for her muahaha. She says I better not get sick and cost her a lot of money, I have no idea what she's talking about. The womanslave also got almost all of her Thanksgiving Meal of Plenty grocery shopping done today, the wonderous white box is now filled with glorious foods, I will be hanging in between her feet as she cooks because she's known to be a messy cooker and I know I'll get flying food out of it!
Well he was a regular bastard when he was a kitten. He's the reason why I have gray hairs on my muzzle. He tore out off the hairs on my muzzle, making it bald, and it all grew back white. I'm 5 years old and I look 12! But more painful than that, he tore off all of my nipples! Where I once had nipples, I now only have scarred over holes. Well the new cretin has solved this problem! She has given me new nipples! How you may ask? Well by doing this of course:
If you can't tell what she's doing, the damn thing is convinced I'm "Momma" and sucks on my shoulder all night every night. Well she's sucked so long and hard that I now have a nipple on my shoulder. She also sucks on my butt, so I have a nipple on my butt too. What one Tuxedo Satan Cat has taken away another Tuxedo Satan Cat hath given!
I use the current Satan Cat to my advantage though so it's all good, I leech out all her body heat to myself muahahaha. There's another method to this madness too, our combined bodies ensure that we take up one entire side of the bed so that the woman slave cannot crawl in and go to sleep! 24/7 woman-slaving, no sleep for you!
For those of you who know mah pappy is, you will also know that he is ever resistant to change. Especially if that change involves computers. So imagine my surprise and shock on the day that he decided to build his own blog after going through mine! If you know who mah pappy is, then you also know that he is an artist, so he uses this blog to update everyone on what he's working on. He's new to this, and feeling a little lonely and unloved, so go visit his blog, maybe leave a comment here or there or follow him. Or else I will kill with love. You don't want that now do you? Especially if you have manparts.
For the past few days the idiot savant has been raving about Bas Rutten and how much of a badass Bas Rutten is. Personally I don't see what the big deal is. I've always known that people underestimate the kick to the groin. You think he's a badass, have you seen me in action?
I will take you down to Chinatown baby! I was taught by the best of the best, and that was Chloe Galusha. In this post, I will teach you how to kill with love.
First off, as soon as you hear them, you must approach at a dead sprint with mouth wide open and tail wagging wildly. A mere jog or even a brisk trot is not enough. I'm talking a DEAD SPRINT here people. Something along the lines of this:
Now granted, my mouth isn't open in this picture, all my really good examples are on our other computer which is currently down for the count, so just visualize this with mouth wide open, tongue flapping in the wind, and teeth bared. Usually this effect is enough to catch the victim unaware. They will generally twist off to one side right before I hit so that they don't catch the hit broadside. Little do they know however, that this alters their center of gravity and their balance is turned off, perfect for the take down! Depending on how their balance is, I will either knock them to the ground on their back (the womanslave is famous for this, I have pictures to demonstrate what I mean, but unfortuantly they are also on the other computer!)
However, sometimes the takedown is ineffective. Now Bas Rutten says that everyone underestimates the kick to the groin. I concur with this. However, what is even more effective than a kick to the groin is a two pawed shove off the groin, throwing all of your weight into it. This will never fail to double over the menfolk. I learned this handy dandy trick from Chloe, she took them down from behind, I prefer to full frontal actually. This was one of my very first lessons in the groin takedown from Chloe in the picture to the left. I like seeing the look of intense fear on a man's face as he realizes the pain that I am about to inflict and the realization that he will most likely never be able to bear kids again, well at least his sperm will be stunned for the next 6 hours or so, rendering his mojo ineffective for the time being.
Once you've got them on the ground, it's time to go to pound town! This is when you walk all over them, wagging your tail as hard as possible. You gotta wag your tail real hard, because this makes your entire body wiggle, and it really jams your paws into those tender areas that people tend to forget they have. Wakens them up real quick! And of course, during this entire debacle, you must be licking their face, because they will likely be screaming at this point. Perfect time to get them in the mouth!
And that, my friends, is how you kill with love. Men fear me now when they walk through the door. Most of them instinctively cover their manparts before I even approach them. They know who they need to respect. Me, baby. That's right, ME.
The womanslave brought me to PetSmart yesterday! Yes! I love that place. So many smells...so many people petting me...so many treats! Mom actually went to PetSmart to pick up some more kitty litter and a new covered litter box because my stupid sibling, Fatso, can't figure out how to poop IN the box and not over the side of the box. It's really gross. REALLY gross. Fatso's actually supposed to go outside to use the bathroom, but ever since the hellspawn came into our household, she's been taken advantage of the litterbox. No, taken advantage isn't the right word. Lets say she DECIMATES it. Yeah that's a good word for it! She was specically looking for one with a door on it as well and picked out one she wanted. Well the idiot-savant (Tadd) picked out the right brand alright. Then we got home and Mom found out he picked out one that was missing the door! Smooooooooth move Tadd! But all is well, for they let me pick out a bag of pig ears for myself.
Or all WAS well. Until we got home. Remember the hellspawn I mentioned earlier? THIS thing?:
She won't let me eat my pig ear! I even BARKED at her, I NEVER bark at my harem! Never ever! And she STILL took it. The worst part of it all is that she didn't even eat it! She just played with it! I was so sad I wanted to cry, but of course I'm a man's man, so I had to suck it up and watch her play with it. If that isn't enough, she always comes and scavenges from the scraps that the idiot savant and my lover give me. What kind of animal does that?! Isn't it enough that she nurses off of the fat rolls on my neck for God's sake? I don't even want to touch my pig ear now, it's been contaminated :(
And as if I haven't been belittled enough today, the womanslave called me SMALL and LITTLE today. I am NOT small. I am HUGE, hear me roar! I am the master of all I survey! She says that she doesn't get why everyone thinks I'm so big. Pfft. She just needs a new pair of glasses. Good grief. Everyone knows I'm big. Today's just has not been my day. Sigh. Hopefully I will have a better day soon. I'm going to take a 5 hour nap now.
Remember how I mentioned that we now have a cool park across the street from our new house? Well that park has a playground in it. I'm particularly fond of the slide myself. The space tube thingy is okay. But the tire? The tire's evil. Here are a few pictures from today's adventures.
First off, let me preface, by saying this...You know the seasons are starting to change and get colder when you run outside to take a quick crap and while you're running for home base, because you're cold, your butt is still steaming! I think I grossed Mom out with the fumes. Muahaha!
So I believe I left off talking about the beach on the last post. This summer was hot. And not just hot but HOTMy insulation was not serving me well! So in between trips to the coast, we discovered a nice little hidey hole on the Washougal River that wasn't too overly populated by fluroscent white teenagers. I need to buy a pair of shades while I'm around Tadd, I don't want to be blinded anymore than that! Now I'm a big fan of swimming. Because I know how to swim. Apparently humans DON'T. They do weird things on the backs, they go under water, they lift their arms over their heads. I don't know what the heck they're doing. So Ian and Tadd needed a lot of saving this past summer. The womanslave, aka Mom, was smart enough to stay in the shallows because she's aware she doesn't know how to swim. However, she's pretty mean. She got this notion in her head to hold my waist and make me swim even more so I could lose some weight. There's nothing wrong with my figure! Round is a shape thank you very much.
Does this bod look like it needs any more excercise to you? I get plenty of it. I work my abdominals all the time laying on the couch. They positioned it at an angle you know. I gotta work to keep from falling into it. I do all my weightlifting carrying sticks. It shows.
Here I am, rescuing that jackass again. And here he is, copping a free ride from me. I work my ass off to save these people, and what kind of thanks do I get? They cull my scraps! Can you believe that? That's one of the things they did to me over this summer. I am only on that gross dry dog food. They try to convince me that it tastes great, Tadd even eats it in front of me! I'm not falling for it though.
I DID get a reprieve from the nasty dry dog food though. Lacey came for a visit! I love Lacey, she feeds me scraps! Also because she came up we got to go to the coast and camp for a night again. And this time I wasn't sore from than danged Saddle Mountain hike either, so I actually got to enjoy running on the beach instead of feeling like a creaky old man. I was feeling so good, in fact, that I learned how to body surf! Man I love the waves.
We didn't do too many big trips after that. My womanslave started working some boku overtime hours. Funny. She's working all these extra hours, yet I don't see any gourmet food in my plate. Hmph. I'm going to have to give her whatfor about that. And then....
My life came to an end.
I don't think I remembered to post this in the last update, but right after the trip from hell to get to this place, two out of the three members of my harem were sadly lost. Patch and Circe went out and never came back. We think we've spotted Patch a couple of times in the neighborhood across the street but he hasn't come back yet. Three months later they came home with THIS:
Of all the holy horrors WHY???? This thing is like Patch reincarnated! Didn't I suffer enough during Patch's childhood? He bit my wiener, tore all of my nipples off, and made my muzzle go bald by yanking my hairs out one by one. Now my muzzle is gray because of him, and I look like an old man! To make things worse, this...THING thinks I'm her momma and spends all night, every night suckling on my fat rolls. AND she gave me fleas. Dammit all to hell. I mean look at what she does to the senior and sole remaining member of my harem, Fatso:
Of all the freaking nerve. Fatso didn't even come out of hiding for over a week. And then the THING they named Spud Savage flushed her out of Ian's room. And now we must all suffer the wrath of the THING. God save us all. If I don't ever post to this blog again...you'll know what happened.
I've been a bad dog I know. But I haven't gotten much time to post lately, I'm in Washington now ya know. That means a lot of times outdoors and enjoying the fresh NON-polluted air. I even got to go to Downtown Portland and have a homeless guy point laugh at me! I know it's because I'm sexy so I didn't take any offense, it was pretty sweet. But as a general update in life, I now live in this mega-huge apartment. But there's no acreage :( I don't have any ducks to chase. There IS a cool park however, right across the street that I like to play in. The common backyard is just too...common for me. I don't like touching that grass. It's gross. The best part about this place is that I get to live with my lover, Ian, for now. I have to share him now and again with his girlfriend Lacey, but that's okay because she feeds me a ton! I got to go swimming a lot this year at the Columbia River, the Washougal River, and a couple of beaches on the Oregon Coast! We checked out Multnomah Falls, Cannon Beach, Seaside, and Del Ray State Park. Here are some studly pictures of me on those trips.
Here I am with my lover and Tadd. No, Tadd's not trying to be a pirate. He got uber sick on the trip from hell over. Idiot decided not to use air-conditioning the whole way in order to save gas, ended up with one hell of a sun burn on his left arm (do you have any idea how retarded one looks when only one LIMB is tanned? It's worse than a farmer's tan!) and heat stroke. Which then turned into Bell's Palsy and half of his face fell off. Okay well it didn't actually FALL off, but it sure looked like it was going to slide right on off his skull! I'm showing off my ass for you guys here. Check out my ripped studly buns!
Now here's Mom and me! We were stopping to take a break on the way up. Mom's kinda gross and sweaty looking here, kinda interferes with my awesomeness. But such is life. That's okay, I love here anyway. Sorta.
Then Tadd, Mom, and I did the Saddle Mountain Hike and checked out Cannon Beach and camped at Del Ray State Park. Let me tell you what....That hike SUCKED! My fanny hurt like no other. Here I am telling Mom to screw off and stop taking my picture, I'm taking a break!
BUT it got better! We got to check out the OCEAN. I've never been to an ocean before! We went to Cannon Beach first. I got to check out the waves and roll in the sand. That's Haystack Rock in the background there.
Cannon Beach was cool and all, but the real gem of this trip was Del Ray State Park. I got to go for a car ride ON the beach. Major coolness dude! Here I am getting a little air time with Tadd. But let me tell you what. After that hike up Saddle Mountain, the last thing I should've been doing was running around and jumping everywhere. I should've kept my butt firmly planted in the sand! I did for most of the night after that.
After a good night's sleep, I felt much better. I even felt good enough to chase PELICANS the next morning. What the hell are those things anyway? They look like giant gargoyles that fly or something. Who ever knew birds could get so big? Geez Louise.
It was pretty fun to run in the morning in the fog too. I left my owners in the DUST baby. Or I guess sand? Maybe fog?
Well that's all for tonight. Dinner calls me. I shall part Part Deux sometime in the near future! Adios!
I also forgot to mention in my last blogpost that this is my theme song. Anytime you see me coming, this is what is playing in your head, whether you're aware of it or not.
Here I am sneaking up on those ducks. These ducks are evil. You see, there was one big dude who thought he was a badass because he had a mohawk and was named Mikey. He liked to chase my womanslave around and bite her and beat her with his wings until she started having to bring and umbrella to open at him everytime she went near the pond. I taught him a couple lessons and now he doesn't swing by anymore. Now I make sure to keep and foul fowl that comes around in line, make sure they don't get any ideas. A man's gotta protect his property you know.
Here's a picture of that bastard duck, Mikey. I do sometimes wonder where he went. I hope someone ate him. I know that my womanslave also hopes that someone ate him, or maybe he got run over by a car. Or maybe the wolves across the street ate him, he would be stupid enough to go into the wolf cages to antagonize them. No one comes between and my woman. You try and hurt her and I will take you down.
Yeah that's right, check out my sexy bod. I know you want to. People call me weird looking, especially at the veterinarian's office, say I got a big body and little legs. I say they're just jealous, they just wish they were half as good looking as me.
I think my old man white muzzle snout works for me, I've been sporting that white snout since I was 6 months old. See that tongue? You know you want it stroking your face in long lucious slurps. Yeah baby.
Hey I can admit I'm short, sometimes I need a little help to see what's going on in this big bad world.
Such as these things. Remember me talking about them in the last post? Yeah these are those evil turtles plotting to take over the world. The little one is wise, it usually takes off and hides when it sees me coming.
This big guy though, he's not as wise as the little guy, he thinks he can take me. I'd like to get my teeth around him one day.
And these are the turtles minions, they are ALL over the place, spying for the turtles. You know the first day we moved here, they had actually had one stationed in the house ready to spy? My harem took care of that guy, now they stay in the pond area, spying from all sides, hiding under the pondscum when they see me coming.
I have determined that humans are dumb. I have spent way too much time in the past 10 days rescuing humans from their own idiotic ideas. Damn this sunny weather, it must short circuit their brains or something. The damned humans keep needing saving from that evil contraption they call a boat. I spent close to my entire Easter Sunday having to drag these people back to shore.
Now wouldn't you think that would've been a big enough hint? I mean I took them RIGHT UP to the damn dock. But NOOOOOO. Instead of getting out of the boat-thingy, they kept GOING. So what choice did I have but to save them again?
And that was just on Easter. Stupid sun was out all weekend, and my owners, whom I THOUGHT had some brains, did it again! And they had the nerve to row up to that deadly shelled monster. Everyone knows that turtles can easily overtake humans and kill them. It's just a good thing they're slow on land, otherwise they would take over the world. But instead of staying safe on land, they went right up to it!! In water! It could've easily overpowered them! Luckily I managed to beat them to the shelled creature and intimidate it into hiding. Then they had to sit and wait for it to come back. I think my owners have a death wish. For example, they go to these crazy parks with death traps all over them. I don't know why they can't recognize them for what they are. I try to do the best I can, but my teeth can only do so much against a steel booby trap. I mean look at my manslave (who I now call Retardo) here:
After I was finally able to get Retardo off the spinning wheel of mortality, it kept spinning. I just knew the damn thing was trying to entice Retardo to get back onto it, so I had to give it a talking to. I think it listened. It took several bites, but it stopped finally. That's right bitch, you don't mess with the Squatch.
And then what does my womanslave have to do? I thought she had more brains that this. I now dub her Stupidhead. She got on this thing, I don't even KNOW what to call this. And it started moving up and down on her! Hello! Can't she tell it was about to catapult her to her death? So I had to try to drag her down by her pant leg, but the stupid thing kept jumping up too high for me to get a good grip.
Good Lord. I don't know what I'm going to do with these people. They're going to be the death of me and themselves. I'm going to nest in a pile of blankets now. I think I've earned it.
Since I have been informed that people were disappointed not to see what a day in the life of Squatch is like.
Generally the bulk of his day consists of digging a nest somewhere in the bark outside and meditating, while collecting an obscene number of ticks on him (And yes he has been Revolutionized, Advantixed, Frontlined, flea/tick bathed, vaccinated, etc. nothing keeps them off):
When he can scrounge up the energy, which we all know takes a great deal of effort, he may go swimming in the pond (or running on it if it's winter) or he might go chase the ducks:
However, due to his ever present jingling of his collar, and his obese frame, we all know that, in truth, Squatch has never successfully caught a duck and he probably never will. Knowing this sad truth, Squatch can only dream about catching his own duck to be butchered and prepared especially for him. Or in this case, goose.
Every once in awhile, Squatch will actually attempt to lose some weight off of his frame. However, this tends to come in short bursts. Unfortuantly for Squatch, rarely will his servant Tadd take him out for jogs, and when he does, Squatch is generally left gasping for air in the dust. And as we all know, being left behind in the dust generally does not leave a great propensity for pure air while drawing in gasping breaths. Due to the natural clumsiness of his physical state, Squatch also has a tendency to slow himself down by managing to whack himself in the head with sticks.
Now to reassure him of his manliness despite his lack of balls, which he unfortuantly lost within a day of coming into our household, Squatch has a harem of cats that daily molest and take advantage of him, male and female alike.
There is also a rabbit involved in the harem, however, looks are deceiving. Although these two appear to be enjoying each other's company, don't be fooled, they desperately hate one another. Many wars have ensued between the rabbit and Squatch over foods. Typically the rabbit wins. You would cower as well if this is what you encountered when approaching your dinner:
Unfortuantly, Squatch lost his one canine companion that understood his mental state and bolstered him to become more manly this past summer. Now he spends his days attempting to entertain himself without the help of his beloved companion Chloe.
However, despite the loss of this friend, his manservant Tadd trains with him daily to become more of a stud, schooling him in the arts of wrestling and warfare. Due to his diminuitive size, however, Squatch tends to lose these sparring matches, as can be observed in the image on the left. Squatch's main technique is the "wormer" which truly is not a combative technique, but more of an escape technique.
But all is not lost, for one of his harem felines is always there to comfort and soothe him after a lost match.
And finally at the end of the day Squatch always comes to bed to rest. And truth be told, in the telling of A Day in the Life of Squatch, Squatch's life kind of sucks.
Tis the season for my favoritest holiday of the year...the holiday of elastic waistbands, aka Thanksgiving! aka Eat until I puke Day! I'm already practicing my poor starved sad puppy eyes in the mirror in preparation for all the saps that will be coming to Thanksgiving unprepared for my total cuteness and awesomeness. They will bow down to me and feed me like no tomorrow! At least I hope so. I mean really, can you resist a face like this?
