My Theme Song

I also forgot to mention in my last blogpost that this is my theme song. Anytime you see me coming, this is what is playing in your head, whether you're aware of it or not.

Mug Shots of Moi

Here I am sneaking up on those ducks. These ducks are evil. You see, there was one big dude who thought he was a badass because he had a mohawk and was named Mikey. He liked to chase my womanslave around and bite her and beat her with his wings until she started having to bring and umbrella to open at him everytime she went near the pond. I taught him a couple lessons and now he doesn't swing by anymore. Now I make sure to keep and foul fowl that comes around in line, make sure they don't get any ideas. A man's gotta protect his property you know.

Here's a picture of that bastard duck, Mikey. I do sometimes wonder where he went. I hope someone ate him. I know that my womanslave also hopes that someone ate him, or maybe he got run over by a car. Or maybe the wolves across the street ate him, he would be stupid enough to go into the wolf cages to antagonize them. No one comes between and my woman. You try and hurt her and I will take you down.

Yeah that's right, check out my sexy bod. I know you want to. People call me weird looking, especially at the veterinarian's office, say I got a big body and little legs. I say they're just jealous, they just wish they were half as good looking as me.

I think my old man white muzzle snout works for me, I've been sporting that white snout since I was 6 months old. See that tongue? You know you want it stroking your face in long lucious slurps. Yeah baby.

Hey I can admit I'm short, sometimes I need a little help to see what's going on in this big bad world.

Such as these things. Remember me talking about them in the last post? Yeah these are those evil turtles plotting to take over the world. The little one is wise, it usually takes off and hides when it sees me coming.

This big guy though, he's not as wise as the little guy, he thinks he can take me. I'd like to get my teeth around him one day.

And these are the turtles minions, they are ALL over the place, spying for the turtles. You know the first day we moved here, they had actually had one stationed in the house ready to spy? My harem took care of that guy, now they stay in the pond area, spying from all sides, hiding under the pondscum when they see me coming.

Humans are Idiots

(As told by Squatch)

I have determined that humans are dumb. I have spent way too much time in the past 10 days rescuing humans from their own idiotic ideas. Damn this sunny weather, it must short circuit their brains or something. The damned humans keep needing saving from that evil contraption they call a boat. I spent close to my entire Easter Sunday having to drag these people back to shore.

Now wouldn't you think that would've been a big enough hint? I mean I took them RIGHT UP to the damn dock. But NOOOOOO. Instead of getting out of the boat-thingy, they kept GOING. So what choice did I have but to save them again?

And that was just on Easter. Stupid sun was out all weekend, and my owners, whom I THOUGHT had some brains, did it again! And they had the nerve to row up to that deadly shelled monster. Everyone knows that turtles can easily overtake humans and kill them. It's just a good thing they're slow on land, otherwise they would take over the world. But instead of staying safe on land, they went right up to it!! In water! It could've easily overpowered them! Luckily I managed to beat them to the shelled creature and intimidate it into hiding. Then they had to sit and wait for it to come back. I think my owners have a death wish. For example, they go to these crazy parks with death traps all over them. I don't know why they can't recognize them for what they are. I try to do the best I can, but my teeth can only do so much against a steel booby trap. I mean look at my manslave (who I now call Retardo) here:

After I was finally able to get Retardo off the spinning wheel of mortality, it kept spinning. I just knew the damn thing was trying to entice Retardo to get back onto it, so I had to give it a talking to. I think it listened. It took several bites, but it stopped finally. That's right bitch, you don't mess with the Squatch.

And then what does my womanslave have to do? I thought she had more brains that this. I now dub her Stupidhead. She got on this thing, I don't even KNOW what to call this. And it started moving up and down on her! Hello! Can't she tell it was about to catapult her to her death? So I had to try to drag her down by her pant leg, but the stupid thing kept jumping up too high for me to get a good grip.

Good Lord. I don't know what I'm going to do with these people. They're going to be the death of me and themselves. I'm going to nest in a pile of blankets now. I think I've earned it.

A Pictorial Day in the Life of Squatch

Since I have been informed that people were disappointed not to see what a day in the life of Squatch is like.

Generally the bulk of his day consists of digging a nest somewhere in the bark outside and meditating, while collecting an obscene number of ticks on him (And yes he has been Revolutionized, Advantixed, Frontlined, flea/tick bathed, vaccinated, etc. nothing keeps them off):

When he can scrounge up the energy, which we all know takes a great deal of effort, he may go swimming in the pond (or running on it if it's winter) or he might go chase the ducks:

However, due to his ever present jingling of his collar, and his obese frame, we all know that, in truth, Squatch has never successfully caught a duck and he probably never will. Knowing this sad truth, Squatch can only dream about catching his own duck to be butchered and prepared especially for him. Or in this case, goose.

Every once in awhile, Squatch will actually attempt to lose some weight off of his frame. However, this tends to come in short bursts. Unfortuantly for Squatch, rarely will his servant Tadd take him out for jogs, and when he does, Squatch is generally left gasping for air in the dust. And as we all know, being left behind in the dust generally does not leave a great propensity for pure air while drawing in gasping breaths. Due to the natural clumsiness of his physical state, Squatch also has a tendency to slow himself down by managing to whack himself in the head with sticks.

Now to reassure him of his manliness despite his lack of balls, which he unfortuantly lost within a day of coming into our household, Squatch has a harem of cats that daily molest and take advantage of him, male and female alike.

There is also a rabbit involved in the harem, however, looks are deceiving. Although these two appear to be enjoying each other's company, don't be fooled, they desperately hate one another. Many wars have ensued between the rabbit and Squatch over foods. Typically the rabbit wins. You would cower as well if this is what you encountered when approaching your dinner:





Unfortuantly, Squatch lost his one canine companion that understood his mental state and bolstered him to become more manly this past summer. Now he spends his days attempting to entertain himself without the help of his beloved companion Chloe.







However, despite the loss of this friend, his manservant Tadd trains with him daily to become more of a stud, schooling him in the arts of wrestling and warfare. Due to his diminuitive size, however, Squatch tends to lose these sparring matches, as can be observed in the image on the left. Squatch's main technique is the "wormer" which truly is not a combative technique, but more of an escape technique.

But all is not lost, for one of his harem felines is always there to comfort and soothe him after a lost match.

And finally at the end of the day Squatch always comes to bed to rest. And truth be told, in the telling of A Day in the Life of Squatch, Squatch's life kind of sucks.

T-38 Days

T-38 days until the onset of our move. I can't wait, we're 5 and a half weeks away. We've gotten through another two weeks of waiting. In the meantime I'm planning and plotting on what we'll need for the place since we're planning on getting rid of just about everything. The only furniture we'll have left is the futon frame and Tadd's artdesk. Been spending a lot of time on Portland's Craigslist looking at furniture for sale, even though it's way too early, but I'm on night three of being home sick, and that leaves me with a lot of free time and boredom on my hands. I've also been scouring through Bed, Bath, and Beyond's online catalog and price-checking against other companies since we're getting rid of most of our dinnerware, cookware, and bakeware. We're going to have to buy a lot of stuff, yard sales here we come. I'm hoping I can get a 9-5 job so I can have my weekends free (for the first time in my life!) and have time to cook, but we'll see, keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm planning on having my camera out and ready for the road trip, although I doubt we'll have much time to stop and take pictures. We'll be passing through New Jersey (obviously), Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon, and finally Washington. 12 states total. When we first came out East, we went through Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illionois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey. So between those two cross country trips, I'll have been to 16 different states, and including places I've lived and vacationed in the total comes to 22 states. Not bad at the age of 24, even though most of those states I've only driven through. Hopefully once we get our careers on their ways, we'll be able to travel a bit more and actually take the time to explore the places we pass through. As for Squatch, since this blog is titled The Chronicles of Squatch, he will have traveled through 17 lovely states at the tender age of 5. He's just our travelin' mutt that kills with love.

Baking and Scrapbooking Fun

Well I've been having fun looking through magazines and cutting out recipes and decorating ideas while being sick for the past 6 days. I was feeling more upbeat yesterday so I actually got some stuff done. Did a lot of cleaning and while I was out and about doing laundry I figured I'd try some of those recipes I cut out during this past week. So off to the grocery store I went while my laundry was drying and picked up some ingredients. I decided to try the Argula, Bacon, and Cheese bread budding recipe for dinner and the Orange Cake Pudding for dessert. In retrospect that's a lot of pudding, but hey I'm sick I have weird cravings.

The Argula, Bacon, and Cheese bread pudding actually turned out decent, you need to be in the right mood to eat it though I think. And it does not keep well to the next day, I tried reheating some leftovers this morning, but the bread absorbed too much of the custard overnight and it's now way too mushy. So note to self, next time you feel like eating it, halve the recipe so it's just the right amount for two. No pictures of this one sorry, bread pudding just really does not look appetizing, and toss in argula and bacon and it looks really weird, so I opted not to take a picture.

The Orange Cake Pudding, however, was awesome. I altered the recipe a little bit, with a little less orange juice and a tablespoon more of lemon juice with a little extra orange zest. It wasn't that hard to make, I have just always hated grating for zest. Oh what am I saying, I hate grating in general. I think vanilla ice cream would have tasted amazing with this, but I didn't feel like making a second trip to the grocery store.

Orange Pudding Cake

2 large navel oranges

1/3 cup sugar

1/4 cup all purpose flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 large eggs - separated

1 cup whole milk

1/2 stick unsalted butter - melted and cooled

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

Method

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
• Butter 2 quart shallow baking pan.
• Finely grate 3 tablespoons orange zest from the oranges.
• Squeeze 1/2 cup juice from oranges over strainer to separate juice from pulp.
• Whisk together flour, sugar, and salt in a large bowl.
• Whisk together yolks, milk, butter, zest, orange juice, and lemon juice in small bowl and add to flour mixture, whisking until just combined.
• Beat egg whites in another large bowl with an electric mixer until they hold soft peaks.
• Stir about 1/4 of egg whites into batter to lighten.
• Fold in remaining egg whites gently but thoroughly.
• Pour into buttered baking dish, and place in larger pan filled with water for a hot water bath.
• Bake until puffed and golden, about 45-55 minutes.
• Serve warm or at room temperature.