Crazy Goodness in the Year

Tis the season for my favoritest holiday of the year...the holiday of elastic waistbands, aka Thanksgiving! aka Eat until I puke Day! I'm already practicing my poor starved sad puppy eyes in the mirror in preparation for all the saps that will be coming to Thanksgiving unprepared for my total cuteness and awesomeness. They will bow down to me and feed me like no tomorrow! At least I hope so. I mean really, can you resist a face like this?

I'm already perfecting my innocent bystander food snitching technique, today Mom was eating some chicken wings when one flew out of her hand and landed perfectly in my mouth without me having to move a muscle. Karma, baby, karma! She tried to pry it out of my mouth and tell me it was bad for me but I was too fast for her muahaha. She says I better not get sick and cost her a lot of money, I have no idea what she's talking about. The womanslave also got almost all of her Thanksgiving Meal of Plenty grocery shopping done today, the wonderous white box is now filled with glorious foods, I will be hanging in between her feet as she cooks because she's known to be a messy cooker and I know I'll get flying food out of it!

I Have NIPPLES Again!

Remember the original member of my harem?:

Well he was a regular bastard when he was a kitten. He's the reason why I have gray hairs on my muzzle. He tore out off the hairs on my muzzle, making it bald, and it all grew back white. I'm 5 years old and I look 12! But more painful than that, he tore off all of my nipples! Where I once had nipples, I now only have scarred over holes. Well the new cretin has solved this problem! She has given me new nipples! How you may ask? Well by doing this of course:

If you can't tell what she's doing, the damn thing is convinced I'm "Momma" and sucks on my shoulder all night every night. Well she's sucked so long and hard that I now have a nipple on my shoulder. She also sucks on my butt, so I have a nipple on my butt too. What one Tuxedo Satan Cat has taken away another Tuxedo Satan Cat hath given!

I use the current Satan Cat to my advantage though so it's all good, I leech out all her body heat to myself muahahaha. There's another method to this madness too, our combined bodies ensure that we take up one entire side of the bed so that the woman slave cannot crawl in and go to sleep! 24/7 woman-slaving, no sleep for you!

Mah Pappy's Blog

For those of you who know mah pappy is, you will also know that he is ever resistant to change. Especially if that change involves computers. So imagine my surprise and shock on the day that he decided to build his own blog after going through mine! If you know who mah pappy is, then you also know that he is an artist, so he uses this blog to update everyone on what he's working on. He's new to this, and feeling a little lonely and unloved, so go visit his blog, maybe leave a comment here or there or follow him. Or else I will kill with love. You don't want that now do you? Especially if you have manparts.

A Tadd Too Much

How to Kill with Love

For the past few days the idiot savant has been raving about Bas Rutten and how much of a badass Bas Rutten is. Personally I don't see what the big deal is. I've always known that people underestimate the kick to the groin. You think he's a badass, have you seen me in action?

I will take you down to Chinatown baby! I was taught by the best of the best, and that was Chloe Galusha. In this post, I will teach you how to kill with love.

First off, as soon as you hear them, you must approach at a dead sprint with mouth wide open and tail wagging wildly. A mere jog or even a brisk trot is not enough. I'm talking a DEAD SPRINT here people. Something along the lines of this:

Now granted, my mouth isn't open in this picture, all my really good examples are on our other computer which is currently down for the count, so just visualize this with mouth wide open, tongue flapping in the wind, and teeth bared. Usually this effect is enough to catch the victim unaware. They will generally twist off to one side right before I hit so that they don't catch the hit broadside. Little do they know however, that this alters their center of gravity and their balance is turned off, perfect for the take down! Depending on how their balance is, I will either knock them to the ground on their back (the womanslave is famous for this, I have pictures to demonstrate what I mean, but unfortuantly they are also on the other computer!)

However, sometimes the takedown is ineffective. Now Bas Rutten says that everyone underestimates the kick to the groin. I concur with this. However, what is even more effective than a kick to the groin is a two pawed shove off the groin, throwing all of your weight into it. This will never fail to double over the menfolk. I learned this handy dandy trick from Chloe, she took them down from behind, I prefer to full frontal actually. This was one of my very first lessons in the groin takedown from Chloe in the picture to the left. I like seeing the look of intense fear on a man's face as he realizes the pain that I am about to inflict and the realization that he will most likely never be able to bear kids again, well at least his sperm will be stunned for the next 6 hours or so, rendering his mojo ineffective for the time being.

Once you've got them on the ground, it's time to go to pound town! This is when you walk all over them, wagging your tail as hard as possible. You gotta wag your tail real hard, because this makes your entire body wiggle, and it really jams your paws into those tender areas that people tend to forget they have. Wakens them up real quick! And of course, during this entire debacle, you must be licking their face, because they will likely be screaming at this point. Perfect time to get them in the mouth!

And that, my friends, is how you kill with love. Men fear me now when they walk through the door. Most of them instinctively cover their manparts before I even approach them. They know who they need to respect. Me, baby. That's right, ME.

Adventures in Petsmart

The womanslave brought me to PetSmart yesterday! Yes! I love that place. So many smells...so many people petting me...so many treats! Mom actually went to PetSmart to pick up some more kitty litter and a new covered litter box because my stupid sibling, Fatso, can't figure out how to poop IN the box and not over the side of the box. It's really gross. REALLY gross. Fatso's actually supposed to go outside to use the bathroom, but ever since the hellspawn came into our household, she's been taken advantage of the litterbox. No, taken advantage isn't the right word. Lets say she DECIMATES it. Yeah that's a good word for it! She was specically looking for one with a door on it as well and picked out one she wanted. Well the idiot-savant (Tadd) picked out the right brand alright. Then we got home and Mom found out he picked out one that was missing the door! Smooooooooth move Tadd! But all is well, for they let me pick out a bag of pig ears for myself.

Or all WAS well. Until we got home. Remember the hellspawn I mentioned earlier? THIS thing?:

She won't let me eat my pig ear! I even BARKED at her, I NEVER bark at my harem! Never ever! And she STILL took it. The worst part of it all is that she didn't even eat it! She just played with it! I was so sad I wanted to cry, but of course I'm a man's man, so I had to suck it up and watch her play with it. If that isn't enough, she always comes and scavenges from the scraps that the idiot savant and my lover give me. What kind of animal does that?! Isn't it enough that she nurses off of the fat rolls on my neck for God's sake? I don't even want to touch my pig ear now, it's been contaminated :(

And as if I haven't been belittled enough today, the womanslave called me SMALL and LITTLE today. I am NOT small. I am HUGE, hear me roar! I am the master of all I survey! She says that she doesn't get why everyone thinks I'm so big. Pfft. She just needs a new pair of glasses. Good grief. Everyone knows I'm big. Today's just has not been my day. Sigh. Hopefully I will have a better day soon. I'm going to take a 5 hour nap now.

Monkeying Around

Remember how I mentioned that we now have a cool park across the street from our new house? Well that park has a playground in it. I'm particularly fond of the slide myself. The space tube thingy is okay. But the tire? The tire's evil. Here are a few pictures from today's adventures.

It's Been Awhile Part II

First off, let me preface, by saying this...You know the seasons are starting to change and get colder when you run outside to take a quick crap and while you're running for home base, because you're cold, your butt is still steaming! I think I grossed Mom out with the fumes. Muahaha!

So I believe I left off talking about the beach on the last post. This summer was hot. And not just hot but HOT My insulation was not serving me well! So in between trips to the coast, we discovered a nice little hidey hole on the Washougal River that wasn't too overly populated by fluroscent white teenagers. I need to buy a pair of shades while I'm around Tadd, I don't want to be blinded anymore than that! Now I'm a big fan of swimming. Because I know how to swim. Apparently humans DON'T. They do weird things on the backs, they go under water, they lift their arms over their heads. I don't know what the heck they're doing. So Ian and Tadd needed a lot of saving this past summer. The womanslave, aka Mom, was smart enough to stay in the shallows because she's aware she doesn't know how to swim. However, she's pretty mean.
She got this notion in her head to hold my waist and make me swim even more so I could lose some weight. There's nothing wrong with my figure! Round is a shape thank you very much.

Does this bod look like it needs any more excercise to you? I get plenty of it. I work my abdominals all the time laying on the couch. They positioned it at an angle you know. I gotta work to keep from falling into it. I do all my weightlifting carrying sticks. It shows.

Here I am, rescuing that jackass again. And here he is, copping a free ride from me. I work my ass off to save these people, and what kind of thanks do I get? They cull my scraps! Can you believe that? That's one of the things they did to me over this summer. I am only on that gross dry dog food. They try to convince me that it tastes great, Tadd even eats it in front of me! I'm not falling for it though.


I DID get a reprieve from the nasty dry dog food though. Lacey came for a visit! I love Lacey, she feeds me scraps! Also because she came up we got to go to the coast and camp for a night again. And this time I wasn't sore from than danged Saddle Mountain hike either, so I actually got to enjoy running on the beach instead of feeling like a creaky old man. I was feeling so good, in fact, that I learned how to body surf! Man I love the waves.

We didn't do too many big trips after that. My womanslave started working some boku overtime hours. Funny. She's working all these extra hours, yet I don't see any gourmet food in my plate. Hmph. I'm going to have to give her whatfor about that. And then....

My life came to an end.

I don't think I remembered to post this in the last update, but right after the trip from hell to get to this place, two out of the three members of my harem were sadly lost. Patch and Circe went out and never came back. We think we've spotted Patch a couple of times in the neighborhood across the street but he hasn't come back yet. Three months later they came home with THIS:

Of all the holy horrors WHY???? This thing is like Patch reincarnated! Didn't I suffer enough during Patch's childhood? He bit my wiener, tore all of my nipples off, and made my muzzle go bald by yanking my hairs out one by one. Now my muzzle is gray because of him, and I look like an old man! To make things worse, this...THING thinks I'm her momma and spends all night, every night suckling on my fat rolls. AND she gave me fleas. Dammit all to hell. I mean look at what she does to the senior and sole remaining member of my harem, Fatso:

Of all the freaking nerve. Fatso didn't even come out of hiding for over a week. And then the THING they named Spud Savage flushed her out of Ian's room. And now we must all suffer the wrath of the THING. God save us all. If I don't ever post to this blog again...you'll know what happened.